Preface
This is my experience, no one else’s. It is my journey with bulimia and depression and self-worth. What started as a personal writing exercise that I thought I would never share, quickly turned into a piece I knew I had to. September 10th is World Suicide Prevention Day and I hope that someone, somewhere, struggling with some of the same things can know you are never the only one. To any friends or family that happen to read this, don't ask, just act. Please donate to twloha.com/donate to raise awareness and hope that suicide and self harm are at a 30 year high in America.
Discovery
The greatest bullshit I ever sold was to myself. It has been over 7 years and I still have to remind myself that I will never be able to say that I have defeated bulimia. As recently as a few years ago I was finally able to change my thinking and therefore my outlook on hope.
Like a lot of instances in my life, it was a random Tuesday and suddenly it hit me like a rock; the realization that I was living life like a virtual reality. I had sold myself so much bullshit for so long; I had become the lie. The lie that life, in some way, wasn’t real. That there was no consequence, no real emotion, no real love. It was as if my personal reality was a television show, an escape from what truly was. A playground of sorts that I could manipulate to a passing whim.
This form of disconnect is dangerous. Every aspect of life around you becomes an alternate reality with no repercussions and in turn, no real joy. You live an existence that is hallowing, not from a lack of interaction, but a lack of personal awareness that your life is worth living. In this, you lose your humanity.
Through trial and error I have learned that until you – only you - value something, you will never be able to truly change it. This directly correlates to my struggle with bulimia. So many people - friends, family and partners - tried to help and I convinced them that they did; they thought I was better because I told them I was. But nothing had changed because I wasn’t ready for things to.
Change will never be something others can do for you. It sounds so cliché and so simple but there are no truer words. Especially when it came to this disease. A lot of people think bulimia is the act of purging. However, bulimia is actually self-deprecation at its finest.
It is wanting something so badly but having absolutely zero control over it. The thought that you can have complete loss in control with something in your life is one of the most horrifying emotions. That no matter what you have done, you can’t seem to change your behavior.
Now before some of you stop reading, I understand that for most this seems like such a mundane thing. If you want to change something, then do it. For those of us that struggle with these diseases that’s exactly why it is so difficult to stop.
It is not like we don’t know what to do to get better. However, actually doing it and following through is like figuring out E=MC2 to a kindergartener (unless you are one of those really smart kindergarteners who go to MIT at age 6 then its like figuring out how to make friends).
There were months that I would wake up each day and know exactly what to do. Change my life, today was that day. Today was D-Day and I was going to storm the shit out of Normandy. Today, this day, I was going to score the game winning goal, get the promotion, kiss the boy (or girl), be named prom queen.
But every day came and went with the same vision to change and the same disappointment. It took years for me to realize it wasn’t because I was too weak or too depressed or too stupid, it was because I didn’t posses the right tools to change.
Want and desire to change can’t always be the answer. Sometimes it is circumstantial. Once you are in the place in your life and your journey that you are truly able to find self worth, you will, and it will be glorious. Be patient with yourself in those moments before. Understand that it is not your personal deficits that lead you to fail.
When you are ready to change and to be something different or better you will be. But until then let yourself find meaning in this life for until you find meaning in tomorrow, today will always be a failure. Today will always be a throw away because there is no reason to have a better tomorrow if yesterday never existed.
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The rest of the story 9.11.16